Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
