at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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