Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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