How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
