the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It was confusing and full of hummus
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
