I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
