Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
