not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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