I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
