Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
