Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
