The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
