I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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