This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
