i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
