Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
