life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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