i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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