I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
