Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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