do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My penis needs a shock collar
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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