hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
