I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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