I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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