I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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