T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This is the high leading the old right now
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
