Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
