Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
