I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
