why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
