You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
