the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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