apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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