3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
