He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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