Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.