shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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