She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
