True but thats because hes a fetus.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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