I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
