tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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