Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
It's like God shit irony all over that family
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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