I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize