You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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