Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
