I'm gonna have a badass scar
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
