Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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