She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
