headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
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We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
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Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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