I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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