I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
