The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
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The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
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Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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