went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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