True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
