everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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