So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Randomize
