Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
