you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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