I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
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I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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