I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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